Category Archives: Arbol

Ghost in the machine

I wasn’t thinking

you know me

pruning a tree

getting rid of dead bracnhes

from a wim

the lady passed by with her poodle ahead

“va duktig du är Julio” she said

that is, in protestant speak, doing well Ese.

Thank you I said.

Am just taking dead branches away I muttered or said or bespoke whatnot.

Not the one to take praise willingly

The lady said it was good I did so because then the tree would fare better

How so I answered

because then the fresher branshes could spand freely.

Little did I know that inbetween the nugget a truth was told

She had cancer in her arm.

yank these

sockets

that see you

for I can

only see what I

can’t have

.

I am sorry

I ever layed eyes upon you

or sent

my vibes toward you

or the vibes we see

match so perfectly

yet

we muster not see through

secret midnight writings

I found Carlo’s diary. Or he left it on purpose on the divan. Which is suspicious of sorts. He is going on a long vacation which gives me ample time to peruse at will the secret midnight notes as he calls his writing.

I was tempted to send it to him but he left in such an inconspicuous place that I could just ignore it and leave it there to gather dust at will. Which I didn’t, off course. darn curiosity. I was careful to lift the volume so as not to leave traces of being it lifted. White gloves and that.

I opened it but much to my surprise it was written mostly in Swedish. So I had a friend translate it. I got it back and here is what he wrote, mind you, what you are about to read needs to remain professional & confidential.

 

March 2011. Why am I obsessed with her? what has struck me? what the fuck is this? *fuck in Swedish is not a swear word

April 2012. I am possessed emotionally by her. Does she know this? My mind plays tricks on me. I think she is aware of my feelings for her.

December 2012. I want to send her flowers. She is married. I barely say hi. I think she senses I avoid her. My mind is surely playing tricks on me. What am I to trust?

January 2013. When did I start feeling this way towards her? All these months & days are driving me crazy. What if she finds out about me? What if she files sexual harassment charges? Wait. I don’t think of her sexually yet.

January 2013. Do I even think of her in sexual terms? Why do I feel her in my veins? Why has she penetrated me so deep? Argh. Why do I have to be so insecure at this age in my life? Why? *recalls Frankensteins wailing in Van Helsing for no reason seemingly.

January 2013. What kind of flowers would she even like? How would I disguise it’s not me. Argh. What if I regret this, not saying a word, what if she is the one?

March 2013. It’s her -. I saw her. I said. I could wack my brain for you. Everything was right. Yet so wrong.

Those last letters left me astounded.

The idea of you

I know it’s a cliché. But I have actually thought of you and a million ways t tell you EVERYTHING.

If I could only move forward to the next level.

Send you flowers

With my name on them

If only I could speak

the words

I imagine telling you

& you giving the time

the patience to listen

My fantasies

do involve sex

But before that

I want a girl thingy

you

to listen

to my

suffering

not having you now.

tankar

Så många tankar som genomsyrar vardagen

och din essens impregnerar varenda sekund

du är i bakgrunden jämt.

Jag är glad att få de här känslorna

det handlar ju om dig

men jag vågar inte mer än att beundra dig och hur du lyckades bryta ner min sköld.

Fattar du du hur stort du är i mitt liv? Vad du har åstadkommit i mitt liv?

Jag har velat kunna skicka blommor men jag är stel. Kan inte röra mig.

Vad skulle du säga om en lite pytte nolla som jag skulle komma till dig och säga Hej!

Livrädd. Och kär i dig. Så många år som går och så många år som jag har försökt glömma dig. Förtränga dig.

Fucking stupid crush.

 

R-13xiv1455v11-LX

Tänker på dig.

Din essens.

Och hur jag saknar den numera.

Tycker det är tråkig att din innersta väsen vill inte längre göra anspråk på min lilla livsväsen

Mina ådror

saknar

den ljuva smärtan

min mage avrådde att njuta.

så fort mina tankar

forde mig

dit                 [ …]               (ville så himla så mycket tro så in i helvete)

din essens

livnärde en levande döende dröm.

Undrar om du finns överhuvudtaget?

Det tråkiga är att en levande människa har gestaltat mina djupaste efterlängtningar

Hen eller snarare Du

R-13xiv1455v11-LX

Är och inte Är                     – samtidiga känslor

allt på en gång

& jag besitter – ett öde – vårt öde

ursäkta om jag tvekar

Så länge mina känslor, mina tankar

lämnar inte

det lilla rum

där jag frodar det som kan ske

kommer du inte

i närheten

av

………………………………..m[i]g.

 

R-13xiv1455v11-II

If every thought were a breath of air

when you ceased to exist

Who is to be my life support?

When all I ever was you

& I chose

you

as a lifestyle

.

Like blood chooses

to run in veins

as a natural

course.

void

I realize a thing or two these days. Like the void left or the void I try to refill. As if one could go back and change stuff.

Intento rellenar huecos estos días. Como si pudiere alcanzar un pasado que nunca fue.

O lo es. El pasado es. Así lo pinto de harina y huevo.
Estrellado, batido y con consistencia.

Pienso en tí. Etilicamente.
Eres un espiritú
Imposible
Una quimera de mi imaginación
un deseo imposible
una mujer ideal
de esas que solo el alcohol
sabe conjurar
y si logro besar tus labios
tropezar contigo
verte en los ojos
o verme en ellos
sería
la mentira
que compartiésemos
juntos
y viviríamos
el paraíso
que Dios olvido
me tienes
de mis guts girl
y
mañana
retornaré

a decirte mil cosas de cómo es imposible dejarte de amar
a pesar de que solo te he soñado una vez.

Querida T II

Sigo intentando no pensar en tí.

Sí, es una locura. Entre más lo intento, más te presiento.

Lo curioso de todo es como la mera idea de tí

llena mi alma de sensaciones inexplicables

cuya procedencia es un misterio.

En sí eres un mistero.

O una efimeridad de casi ya tres años.

Como quisiera que este encanto desvaneciera así como llegó

Me hago del sufrir

Yo ya no sé si es el espiritú etílico o eres en verdad un espiritú

que posesiona todo el presente de mi existencia, llenas un pasado efímero

y un futuro que nunca tendré contigo.