At the office, getting ready to part for the holidays.
When I saw 2014 enter my life my eyes were fixed on a digital time counter and hearing the people of Rome shout down the seconds before it struck 2014. I was at the Colosseum and I was being pressed by the masses outside the entrance to the Colosseo metro which was jammed packed with people all trying to be by the Colosseum, just like me. I remember Nepalese immigrants selling fake roses and blinking gadgets celebrating the yet to be 2014, glasses, tiaras and champagne. I nearly panicked but yet I was pleasantly amused by the whole moment. 2014 hit the façade of the Colosseo facing the Metro entrance in green colors shot by laser lights which simultaneously set of the rocket firing which brought a delightful spacial display of Rome’s finest pyrotechnics.
I thought it was great, ominous which is wont of me to do because I need to believe things are meant to change in my life. I was happy that I left behind 2013 and boy, did 2014 taste & feel good, full of promises and other dreamy stuff which encouraged my soul to deeply hope and go on with the dire state of my self. Nothing happened, 2014 was if anything a series of setbacks both spiritually and emotionally not to mention mentally. And here I am now, hoping that 2015 will be different like 2014. That I will change, that my life will turn for the better in all manners of aspects, with the social aspects of my humanity.
Though I often turn to the Lord for forgiveness on this matter because somehow I feel ungrateful towards the bounties the lord bequeathes me. Considering my lot there are a number of life experiences that oblige me to reconsider my situation towards the benefits I receive. Such as good health, a good job and more job, the issue of having money and overall the ability to enjoy pretty much what I want to do. I travel perhaps more than the average joe in this country and I have a profession which brings laughter to my life. This ought to be sufficient but unfortunately I seem dead bent on destroying the good Lord’s intentions and work. God must have a good reason for this because boy, do I ever sabotage it by engaging myself in carnal pleasures and questionable mental hygiene. Or the lack thereby of it if anything. I really do obstruct God in his work, again, this is by all intents and purposes done solely and truly by my own devices. And the nagging and bothering of the Lord constantly to grant me a companion or that I lack a family, buhuhu, cry baby that makes me want to punch him in the face if I ever got a hold of that side of my ugly debauching and whining self.
I wonder what my psychologist would think about my train of thought.
He doesn’t seem to think too much about my ruminations or present novel ideas about how to deal with my problems. I wish he suggested some sort of pill to realign my entire chemical composition. I myself realize many things but I end up not following through with my own great ideas, because I know there are great and should solve many of the issues I contemplate but nein sayeth the German. I do realize I have a serious case of conformity or are these the last throes of impetuous and careless behavior from my part?